


Ad Astra Per Aspera

by Arientis



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 10:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19060987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arientis/pseuds/Arientis
Summary: "Does it ever stop hurting?""No. You just have to make room for it."





	Ad Astra Per Aspera

The phone rang exactly three times before a very tired Connor Murphy answered it. “Ev? It’s like 3am. Why aren’t you asleep?” 

When there was no answer, he tried again. “Is there something wrong?” This time, he could hear a faint sniffling noise. A noise that indicated that Evan was crying, and, as everyone surely knew, crying at 3am was never a good thing.

“How can I help?”

Evan spoke for the first time then, “D-does it ev-… ever st-stop hurting?”

Connor knew now what he was talking about. Evan’s mother had died in a car accident three months prior and Evan had had to watch her die. It wasn’t his fault, even though he was driving. It was that drunk man who somehow thought that he was sober enough to drive and instead t-boned the car that the two innocent people were in. Even though the man had died instantly, Connor always thought that death was too good of a punishment for him. He shouldn’t have gotten out of it so easily. He should have been held accountable for the pain that he had caused the pure and anxious boy. Though Evan always insisted that he was fine, Connor could see now just how much pain he was in. 

“Evan… I wish I could tell you it did. I really really wish I could. But I don’t think it does, not really. You just have to make room for it.” He thought back to his own suicide attempt in the last year. How he had felt so alone. How he had needed someone there for him to come and get him. To tell him that he would be alright. He knew that it wasn’t the same thing, but he wanted to be there for Evan. No matter what. Softly, he added, “Do you want me to come over?”

Evan took a shaky breath and paused before a near-silent “Yes” passed through the receiver.

“O-okay.” Connor stood and threw on one of his grey jumpers, grabbed his keys and left his small apartment, being sure to lock the door behind him. An old habit from when he still lived with his family. “Just stay on the phone with me, okay? I’m on my way. I’ll see you in five minutes. Where are you right now?”

“I’m- I’m in my room. I ca-can’t do this anymore. P-please hurry, Connor. Please.”

It was Evan’s completely and utterly broken voice that hit Connor the hardest. He hadn’t broken down this badly since the funeral. Since it finally sunk in that his mother wasn’t coming back, not this time. 

As he walked, or rather ran, to Evan’s house, he thought back to the suicide attempt that had started their friendship. It was after the correctly dubbed ‘letter incident’. Connor had downed a bottle of pills and woken up in a hospital, Evan in the bed across from him. For the first few weeks, Evan and Connor hadn’t spoken to each other, the former being afraid of the latter. But, eventually, he apologised for his reaction to the letter and Evan apologised for.. something. It was still uncertain as to what exactly, but apologise he did. That was the beginning of everything. Heidi had always said that they got on like oil and water, but stuck together like glue. That didn’t change after their graduation. As soon as he had graduated he had taken his small amount of savings and rented a small apartment two blocks away from Evan’s house. After the accident, it made it easier for both of them when one of them had a bad night and needed comfort. 

Connor’s cheeks felt wet and he realised that he was crying. Quickly, he wiped away the tears before he opened the front door with the spare key that Evan had given him in instances such as this one. He made his way through the house that felt too big for just one person, taking in the rooms and interiors that had been left untouched since the accident before entering Evan’s room to see him sitting on the floor surrounded by pill bottles and razor blades. He ran to the blond boy, dropped to his knees and held out his arms. 

“Can I hold you?”

Evan took a shaky breath and nodded his head slightly. Connor took this time to bundle him up in his arms and oh-so-sneakily hide the ‘dangerous materials’ from the smaller’s line of sight. 

Many minutes passed like this, with Evan crying softly into Connor’s chest while the latter rubbed his back and whispered soothing words and phrases to him. Then, Evan breathed in deeply and pulled away slightly, not so much that it was standoff-ish, just enough that he could speak easier. 

“How,” he began, “How do you do it? How do you keep on moving? It’s so hard. Sometimes I… I.. sometimes I want to fall asleep and not wake up. A-and I’m trying. I am trying so hard to stay alive and keep moving on, but it’s hard. It’s so hard. I was so close, Connor. So close to ending it all tonight, but somehow, you helped me. How? How could you possibly care for someone as messed up as me?”

Connor was quiet for a while. He was thinking about what Evan was saying and what he could do to help him. After much contemplation, he placed his hands on the other male’s face and wiped away his tears with his thumb. Then, he leant close to Evan’s ear and whispered, “Ad Astra per Aspera.”

Evan pulled back slightly, “What?”

“Ad Astra per Aspera. It means ‘Through hardship to the stars’. Whenever everything gets to be too much, I just remember that phrase. It… It helps.”

Evan nodded at his words and rested his head back onto his chest. They stayed like this for what felt like hours in complete, but not awkward, silence. Then, Evan spoke.

“Thank you. For… everything. Thank you.”

Connor smiled slightly for a moment before his smile faded. He said, “Evan… I don’t know how you can possibly think that you aren’t enough for anyone. You help so many people, Ev. So many. I owe you my life. You saved me. Over and over again. Now, I want to help you. You are such an amazing friend to me. I.. I um. I know this isn’t the best time for this, but I… Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.”

Now it was Evan’s time to take Connor’s hand. “Say what’s on your mind, Con.”

Connor looked up at him with tear-stained eyes. “I like you, Evan. I have for a while. I know I’m imperfect and you don’t deserve someone like me. And your problems are so much bigger than what can be fixed with a few kisses, but I just wanted to tell you. I, uh, I want to help you. I-I’m sorry. We can pretend that this never happened, if you’d like.”

Evan bit his lip, looked down, and nodded slightly. “I’d like that.”

“O-oh, okay.” Connor turned away.

Evan’s eyes widened as he realised what he had said. “N-no! I didn’t mean to the not talking about it again thing. I.. I meant th-the whole kiss me thing. I’d like that. I want you to kiss me.” He took a deep breath and slowed down. “Wh-what I mean is… I like you too.”

Connor placed both of his hands on the sides of Evan’s face.

“C-can I kiss you?” he whispered.

“Please,” Evan whispered in reply.

And as their lips touched, they knew that things would be alright. Maybe not right away, but one day. They did, after all, have each other, and neither of them were going anywhere. Not for a long, long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know I should be working on Out Secret Lives. Yes, I know this is kinda sad. No, I'm not sorry.
> 
> Have a lovely week!
> 
> (I'm hoping to get the next chapter of OSL up within the next week. Hoping...)
> 
> -Ari


End file.
